7 Hidden Things No One Tells You About Mom Guilt (part 1/2)

7 Hidden Things No One Tells You About Mom Guilt and how ART can help you be well-equipped to overcome it.

There’s a reason why you long for (or may have the feeling of longing) being nurtured, or feel like you’re subconsciously always looking for other mother figures.

And it’s not because you don’t love your mom, or that you’re ungrateful. It’s because of what I call the “Hidden Mom Guilt.” 

So usually when we think of “mom guilt”, we think of not doing something because we feel guilty that our children will disapprove, or be upset. We don’t want to put our needs above the kids or miss out on their things for things we want or must do. This is what we typically think of when it comes to mom guilt. 

It sounds like, “Oh, I just feel so guilty about enjoying myself when my kid is at home with the babysitter” (if you’re fortunate to have one). 

That’s not what I’m talking about here.

“Hidden Mom Guilt” is actually when you, as a mom, feel guilty for saying that you wish your mom would’ve done a better job of raising you.

Whew! I know. And yes; I’m going there.

Before continuing, please note that I am Certified in Trauma-informed Care and Therapeutic Art Life Coaching. I am not a Licensed Therapist, nor do I give advice or diagnoses. I have also personally done my own healing work with a Licensed Therapist. I am speaking from my own experience and perspective from lived experiences. And when I say "you", I’m talking about me- even though you may relate. 

So if you’re not ready for this conversation, please stop here and read something else.

Still here? Cool. “Hidden Mom Guilt” is actually when you, as a mom, feel guilty for saying that you wish your mom would’ve done a better job of raising you. And it’s usually because now you are having to heal- while raising your children. So you fear that they’ll be fighting wars in a battle that you wanted to overcome.

My children are teens and young adults now. I always thought that before my oldest son turned 18 years old, I would have everything figured out and sorted out so that my children wouldn’t have to work through things that I faced. I wanted to put them in a better position- which I have. And, there’s still some work that has to be done. They see me work things out and work on things continuously. This is really a good thing! But having that fear of I wish I could’ve overcome this so they don’t have to deal with it was real mom guilt for me.

Here’s what I noticed about when this “Hidden Mom Guilt” presents itself:

1. I would start every statement about your mom with a disclaimer that sounded like-

1. “I’m not trying to take anything away from her…”

2. “I know she did the best she could…”

2. I would guilt-trip myself with statements like- 

1. “I know my kids will probably say this about me”

2. “My mom sacrificed a lot for me”. 

3. I would minimize my accomplishments as a mom by saying-

1. “I know I’m not perfect.”

2. “I did what I had to do”. 

4. You don’t want to say anything to anyone to make her look bad. 

5. You don’t want to hurt her feelings. 

6. You definitely don’t want something to happen to her, and you feel bad that your last memory was unpleasant. 

7. You feel guilty that you still do some of what you mom did- after you swore you’d never do it. 

So what do we do? We hide all of it. If you feel like any of these make you seem ungrateful or that you don’t love your mom- know that it’s not true. After therapy, I began to see clearly, especially around mom guilt. When I really thought about it... 

I contemplated the belief- “I know she did the best she could.” Then I asked myself, “Did she?!”

“And even if she did- does that mean she actually did a good job?” I discovered- “Did the best she could”, does not equal good.

I also thought about, “My mom sacrificed a lot for me”. Then I asked myself, “Do you know this to be true? Or, is this the narrative she told you over and over until you believed it as truth?” 

I realized that her “sacrifices” were actually choices.

This one really hit home for me because when I was pregnant with my oldest son for my entire high school senior year, I knew absolutely NOTHING about being a mom! I had not even been around children. Zero experience! But let me tell you- the Lord be looking out! Even when we ain’t right, He cares about and takes care of you. 

Back in my junior year, I was enrolled into an Early Childhood Education class by default. Even though it was not my interest or choosing, I really loved that class! Mainly because I was into psychology, I enjoyed learning about children and how they think. 

So while I was pregnant with my son in twelfth grade, I read all the parenting books I could get my hands on! I stayed in the library and was constantly researching how to be a great mom. And not just the typical What to Expect When You’re Expecting. 

I was really trying to figure out how I could be the Best Mom Ever to my son.

At this point, I was also in Early Childhood Education 2 with the same (and my favorite) teacher, Ms. Betty Stem. I told her about all the books I had been reading, and how I learned that babies need their parents most in their first weeks of life. I asked her if that was true. She confirmed it was. So I made one of my first real sacrifices.

Before making this decision, I consulted with my school’s Guidance Counselor. She informed me that if I chose to transfer to the school that accommodated pregnant students, I would lose all of my college credits that I had earned up until that point. Ultimately, I decided to go to that school so I could spend the first four weeks with my baby at home. 

That was the first time I felt like I made a selfless choice for the benefit of my child. It was more important to me to have that attachment bond with my son, than to keep my college credits. He was my priority. This was a way of making sure I was the Best Mom Ever.

And I did end up going to college years later to get my degree in Psychology. But I never told my son things like, “You’re the reason I didn’t go to college”, or anything like that. No! I made that choice. Yes, it was a sacrifice. But not one that was my son’s fault, or that he had to pay for, be reminded of, or feel guilty about. In fact, he heard this story for the first time when I recently shared it with my sister-in-law. I was always aware that having him when I was a teenager came with some life choices like these, especially since I wanted to be Best Mom Ever.

Regarding minimizing my accomplishments as a mom into “I know I’m not perfect” and “I did what I had to do”- 

I really can’t think of a mom in my whole life that I haven’t heard say, “Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.”

So I get it. Yes; we do things that we feel like we have to do. That doesn’t mean that my child isn’t entitled to how he or she feels. And many times when I’m thinking of these things, I’m thinking of myself as the mom and myself as the child.

My mom worked all the time at two “penny-enny jobs”. When I had elementary school functions during the day, I only remember her being at one. It was my fifth grade promotion. She may have been at more, but that’s the one I remember. So when I became a mom, I told myself I wanted to go to all of my children’s functions. That was important to me. 

When I was a single mom, I had to work! I had to work a lot. Mostly at labor jobs- thank God for deliverance.

Being there to support my children was important to me. 

My desire to be there for them often meant showing up in my work uniform, or on my work break, and sometimes before or after a work shift. I was determined to do my best and make my presence known. As their number one top-flight cheerleader, I definitely did! You were going to know I was there, and that I was proud of my children! Yes. I am the mom who is yelling, “That’s my baby!” My children may say it was embarrassing; but I know they loved it! So, I get- “do what you gotta do”.

Still, I always felt that being a great mom was one of my greatest callings because once it happened- I thought, “This will be my greatest work!”

As time went on, and this is so important, I understood that God has entrusted these children to me.

They have been my driving force ever since. This is why I’m so big on honoring my accomplishments. Of course, I’m not perfect. And of course, sometimes I did things that I felt like I just had to do. That’s just reality. Still, it doesn’t take away from my children’s experiences from it.

To God what? Be the glory!

Mrs. Monique Harris

Continue reading part two here...

Accept this invitation to deepen your relationship with Jesus in everyday moments, and discover the superabundance God has equipped you with for your unique motherhood journey- by immersing yourself in The Manual for Mothering Well in God Support System from The Mothering Journey Academy™.