7 Hidden Things No One Tells You About Mom Guilt (part 2/2)

7 Hidden Things No One Tells You About Mom Guilt and how ART can help you be well-equipped to overcome it

(part 2/2, continued from this Devotional)

Back to the hidden mom guilt. 

One thing I heard from my mom a lot was how ungrateful I was. She bought a lot of stuff like toys, a lot of the time. So to her, I was being ungrateful if I said anything other than what she wanted to hear. I have since learned that I wasn’t being ungrateful. I was just being honest. My experience was what it was- my experience.

Not wanting to make her look bad or hurt her feelings- 

I had to tiptoe over every little word I said. She would grasp at the smallest things to make them into big things. No matter the criticism- she would respond with, “So I’m not a good mom”. 

Man, that hidden mom guilt crept up every time! 

What I have learned over the years and through therapy regarding my relationship with my mom and how I operate with my daughter, is that sweeping it under the rug is no longer an option. That is a HUGE deal for me! From what I remember about growing up in my family- we sweep everything under the rug. This means something happens, we all know it happened, then we pretend like it never happened. This was so confusing to me. 

I would question, “So I’m the only one who remembers this, this way?!”

So I decided that for me and my family that the Lord has gifted me with- we’re not sweeping anything under the rug. 

We’re going to address stuff, no matter how long it takes. This is why my children have also been in therapy. Because we’re just not going to act like stuff didn’t happen.

We’re going to address stuff, no matter how long it takes. “Stuff” here includes and is not limited to: issues, actions, and experiences- whether they cause trauma or drama, are traumatic, or negatively impactful to the person who experienced it. This is why my children have also been in therapy. Because we’re just not going to act like stuff didn’t happen.

By acknowledging these things, we can also recognize and hold space for “stuff” on the flip-side, including and not limited to: issues, actions, and experiences- whether they cause delight or excitement, are pleasurable, or positively impactful to the person who experienced it! This is what makes celebration come easy. Because we’re going to honor the good stuff that happens, too!

I used to believe I didn’t have the right to speak truthfully and freely about my mom to my children, because I feared they may think or speak ill of me when they got older. I would also feel guilt or shame whenever someone would point out something that I would do, that I knew was something my mom did. Anytime someone referenced my mom in any trait or characteristic in my behavior- that was a problem! I would feel like, “As much as I try to be the Best Mom Ever, and here you are pointing out something that I do like her…”

I remember this playing out last year. 

There was a period of time that I realized (or my children pointed it out- because they’re good at that) every time I left an interaction with a person, I had something negative to say about them. And I insisted, “Oh my God! This has to stop! You empower and encourage people! Where is this coming from?!” 

One time I was leaving a fast food restaurant and commented on someone. My awareness immediately responded, “They didn’t deserve that.” And then I recalled who does this behavior, and that it made sense why I was so bothered by it.

This is where God’s grace comes in. 

He gives it freely everyday. All we have to do is receive it, accept it, and apply it.

This led to an a-ha moment! I realized I am not my mother! Again, through addressing and doing the healing work in therapy, I now understand what I must do to have a civil relationship with my mother. And, that does not make me less than a great mother and daughter. Plus, my children are entitled to their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and subsequently, their perspectives.

In my quest to be Best Mom Ever- I was challenged by that hidden mom guilt of pretending like I didn’t feel the way I did about my mother, and dealing with “How can I feel this way when I know I love my mother?” 

Eventually, I realized the two can coexist. 

I can love my mother and still accept that she was lacking. And, I can accept that me having ways like her, is not a reflection of me doing a poor job of being a mom. It's just that she raised me. So it stands to reason that I would have ways like her. 

This is a major reason why I have to lead by Jesus’ example as best I can- especially for my daughter. I am aware that all of my children- especially my daughter- will pick up my ways. Children watch, listen, copy and repeat. They don’t do as we say, they do as we do! They are watching us and doing what we do! And sometimes they do you better than you! When my children go out into the world, they will make their own choices. But I have confidence that I have trained them up in the way that they should go; so that as they get older, they will not depart from it. I am very intentional in doing my part.

Here are more things I was doing to be the Best Mom Ever that also helped me overcome hidden mom guilt-

1. I was always finding examples of good moms.

2. I examined what that looked like:

1. How did they treat their children?

2. How did they talk to their children?

3. How did they feel about their children?

4. How did they feel about being a mom?

5. How do they lead?

6. How are they when their children aren’t around?

7. Who are they, really?

3. I had a lot of questions because I didn’t want to “invent” this other person or “reinvent myself”. I wanted to become God’s best version of me as mom. It was a true heart’s desire of mine. This increased after I began healing from being sexually assaulted.

I read a book called, In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant that compares rooms in a house to being levels of healing. You start in the basement and work your way to the attic. I had a goal to get to the “attic” and be like the grandmas- specifically like my Granny (who was still living at the time). 

I had a deep desire to be wise, in a place of calm and peace, praying for people, being of service. 

4. I started doing a lot of personal development, therapy, and hard work in my healing. By “hard work”, I mean implementing, practicing, and taking actions on the things I learned in therapy. Doing those things was non-negotiable. I had to do it. It was getting me closer to being like Granny. My aspiration was to be close to Jesus like her.

5. My intimate relationship with Jesus got me to where I am today.

The first time I felt loved well and properly was by a lady whom I think her name was Ms. Moore. I can’t actually remember; but I see her beautiful face and hear her somewhat heavy voice vividly and clearly. 

I was five years old.

In a sense, she felt like a mom to me for my first two summers at that day camp. She awarded me “Best Camper” both years.

And I remember always being up under her. Always feeling so loved, protected, wanted, and believing she was proud of me.

As a child, I clung to the camp counselors- which she was- because that motherly love I desired was so strong.

And what astounds me in this moment, is that when I became an after school recreation counselor, there was a girl named Anya who treated me the same way!

She loved me, and followed me everywhere during our time there together. And I loved her.

While seeking out the different mother figures, I subconsciously wanted to be loved by these mother figures. I didn’t realize that was part of it at the time. As I watched the way they cared for their children, I wanted to have them as a mother. The epiphany came when I made peace with not having them as a mother. I simultaneously became grateful that my children have me (the Best Mom Ever) as their mother!

The hard work I conquered became A.R.T. for interior design in my heart-

♥ Act: Doing the healing work.

♥ Resolve: I have decided to be more like Jesus and lead by His example.

♥ Trust: I’m going to trust and believe in Him fully, and trust and believe in myself.

Ba-da-boom-ba-da-bang!

To God what? Be the glory!

Mrs. Monique Harris

Want to overcome the mom guilt, be more present, and have more peace? Accept this invitation to deepen your relationship with Jesus in everyday moments, and discover the superabundance God has equipped you with for your unique motherhood journey- by immersing yourself in The Manual for Mothering Well in God Support System from The Mothering Journey Academy™.